Where are you God?

       Summer is a time that when I grew up I looked forward to. No responsibilities, except looking after the dog of course, no homework, and most importantly no worries. I remember the summers that I would play baseball in my neighbor’s back yard for hours. Or staying up until it got dark running from mosquito’s. I remember a time where I didn’t worry about relationships and my friends actually were around. Summer used to be fun and enjoy able but right now it is barren and difficult. This isn’t so much of a post about my look at an aspect of faith but more of a look at how the beginning of summer changes my beliefs. I am sorry if this sounds like a complaint or a rant but it kind of is. In the months away from school we are told to be restful, rejuvenate our minds and enjoy the time we have off but all I have been feeling as of late is alone.

Nothing really tragic has happened nor have I been particularly unhappy, just really lonely. But I don’t feel lonely from people. I have spent time with my parents and friends. I have texted people I missed from school and saw some of them yesterday. I have really felt separated from God. Trust me this isn’t a one time occurrence. This isn’t something new to summer. It’s just more apparent now. The summers have become a relationally dry and spiritually dry time of the year. I need some help to get back to where I want to be. Some of this will be a little venting but a lot is just what I need to get down on paper. If you have words that could help me feel free to message me on facebook or my phone. If not that’s fine to I am just glad you read and maybe you can relate and share in my struggle with me. This is my hypothesis for this post; God doesn’t leave me during my dry spells but he wants me to learn how to seek him and learn to have faith in him.

Lets now tackle the one type of dryness, relationships. Being in college especially in the dorms I was surrounded my people who cared about me and wanted what is best for me, people who said hi to me on campus and in the halls of Nash. It was great. I could walk down to anybodies room and hang out with them. You really get overloaded with social interaction with you peers during the school year. It makes you kind of take for granted the people you saw every day.

 I know for me friendships with girls has always been hard for me to keep just friends in my mind. In many ways I wanted a relationship with some of them but I know I haven’t been really sure what I wanted out of that realtionship. Or who I would actually be happy with. I tend to idolize the women in my life. Put them on a pedestal where they are not human to me but perfection. And we all know that’s not true. None of us are close to being perfect. Anyways I get home and all of the sudden there are no more women around me. Mom doesn’t count. So what do I do? Do I reflect on what I really want in a relationship?

Nope Chuck Testa.

 I proceed to text the girls in my life I know will respond just so I can get a little bit of that attention. I am trying to fill the hole in my relationships with people with mindless chit chat. Then if I think about it God was kinda pushing me to reflect more on what I needed rather than wanted by sending my friend Jacob in to joke with me about getting “wifed up” (sorry Jacob). So that thought train was started and I figured out who best fits me in my life.

Then I started to talk to her and I know she was dating someone but I told her what I thought anyways. But then with a little internal conflict I had to learn to be patient because I clearly haven’t learned what I needed to. I have not done what God really wanted me to do this summer which in all my infinite knowledge about him (sarcasm) was to one try to reach out to people I knew in high school but our friendship had wavered, and two learn to trust him, I think.

That was a great transition to the talk about my own spiritual dryness. Taylor you should be proud of that one. Anywho back to the topic at hand. At school I am surrounded by faith. In my room, my friendships, the campus ministry, my friends (oops said that twice), and actually going to church. Spirituality was everywhere, I think it was something in the water (joking). But I thought about it all the time at school. I wanted to know more I hungered for knowledge, and understanding. I could fake my way though a lot of faith with my friends and I could sustain myself with emotional highs and looking for answers with Taylor each week in my one on ones (meetings with my small group leader). These were all good things (except the faking) but none of them have really been sustained since finals week started. I probably wouldn’t even be doing this if I hadn’t just gotten mad at the big guy for the path in life he is taking me on (see relationships).
 But still here I am wondering does God leave me when I leave the spiritual community that I am a part of? Am I not faithful enough, am I not saved, and am I really a believer or just a scholar looking for the facts and not the relationship? Do I do things for him or for myself? Do I revert to sinful ways when I come home because I don’t care?

Well I don’t really think I don’t care. It’s just so much easier to get away with when you alone are accountable for yourself. And I am pretty sure that when you leave a community God is too big to leave you as well. I have seen that in one of my friends.

 Now that leaves the doubts. Do I really have the faith I say I do? Faith has been the hardest part of this whole thing for me. I know God is out there somewhere but I don’t know if I trust him yet. I don’t know how I would start. That girl I was talking about told me “Have faith everything will work out” but what if I don’t have that faith? Will it still work or am I just lost? How do I get the confidence in God to actually trust him to shape my life? These are some of my biggest struggles my own battles. I could use help but where do I get it. How do I ask? Maybe that is the answer to just ask and try to trust.

I feel like the whole trust thing will help me in the next doubt. Am I really saved? I know trust is important for this but something that has been really freaking me out about the whole saved thing is Acts. Particularly the 90 times they say and the spirit filled them and they started to talk in tongues and prophecy. See that stuff freaks me out. I don’t really want to just start speaking in a different language I find it hard to see the point. But is that the mark of being saved to have a manifestation if a spiritual super power or is it just any gift? What makes me able to say “I am a broken and sinful person but I have been saved by Jesus’ sacrifice”?  If I have these doubts do I truly believe enough so that if I died tomorrow I would look at the bright gate of heaven and not be turned below to darkness. I am only twenty and I already am thinking about this stuff.
Thinking leads me to one more thing. Do I just fabricate a belief in Christ to fit in and use it as a front to learn more? I know this one doesn’t have as strong of a base to it but it does cross my mind. I am really wondering how I can go about starting this relationship. How do I have a relationship with something I cannot see, have not heard, nor talked to? I mean someone will tell me prayer but what if I feel nothing when I pray. Then what?

Basically in the summer I have this dryness and I am looking for some help. How could I work to defeat the doubts I have? Please I invite you to message me and make an effort at telling me how to live my life. And if I know you fairly well; how can I deal with my relationships here and reach out to those I once called my friends?

Thank you for your time and for reading my really long rant. It helped me to write it.  Have a good day and I think this summer has potential for each person to experience growth not just a stagnant void.

Following blindly isn't following at all,
Cyrus Schaaf

Grace, I think?

What are you most afraid of? What makes your heart drop to the pit of your stomach or pound filled with adrenaline? For me it’s heights, not just heights but maybe more of falling. This idea of climbing to a peak of a mountain, of reaching a high point in your life then you lose your footing and end up in a heap on the ground. In all honesty it is probably not even just physical falling that I am afraid of. I am afraid of falling off of a moral pedestal that I have created. I hate the idea that I am no better than the drug addicts, abusers, blasphemers, killers, theirs, and haters. I tend to create this idea that my sins are not that bad, an attempt to prove to myself that I am worthy of the love I feel each day from my parents, my friends, and most of all my God. But in truth I am truly broken, and I have already fallen from my metaphorical pedestal. I have used people, manipulated people I said I loved, thrown away people who need me, tried to hurt those around me, and I have not loved those who need it. But the cool thing about God is that he still loves me. He loves me enough to give me the greatest gift ever possible. He will give me in all my faults, love, forgiveness… Grace.
Grace is a tricky concept but it is a crucial part of how God works in our lives. I guess I should first explain what grace means to me. Grace is kind of like getting a gift that is so great that you could never ever pay the giver back for it. If I were to randomly give you a hundred bazillion dollars, or some sum of money that will never exist, there would be no way to pay me back. But the thing that is different than what was given to us is so much greater than any sum of money, any possession, or any part of this small planet called Earth. We have been given access to a kingdom that is out of this world incredible, a place in a new world, a world that is good and loving, Gods kingdom.

Wait I feel that I just skipped a huge part. Now grace is such a tricky concept because you can think you are explaining it in a way that everyone can understand then you realize that you are talking in that dang Christian language, it’s clearly different and confusing. So I could choose to go about explaining Grace like this; by definition grace is “disposition to or and act or instance of kindness courtesy or clemency.” But this definition doesn’t even mean as much as the kind of grace that I am talking about. The best way that I can describe grace is the act of giving something to someone that they will never be able to deserve. That is in all honesty the best I can do.

Now if I were reading this I would want to know where the writer was going with this rambling. In truth I am trying to get here, complete confusion, so that we can find our way back out. So here we go, this word grace is thrown around a lot in Christian circles and sometimes I don’t even know what we are talking about. Am I being asked to show grace to someone who may have wronged me, or am I being asked to not judge the way a speaker is telling me to live my life. Or am I being told about the grace that God has shown us by sending his son down to die for every time I fall off of my moral pedestal. This is the idea of grace that I really think about when I hear that word. The Grace of God is something that was given to us, a forgiveness for our faults, our disloyalty, our hatred, our sin. The grace that God showed us was his gift of forgiveness a path to redemption that he provided when Jesus died to save us. I wouldn’t say that grace is even a concept that our humans mind could create, we create more of action of mercy, or forgiveness. While in Christian circles we may say “show grace to this person.” But who are we to decide who deserves our forgiveness or not. It says many times in the New Testament that we are not to judge our neighbor but to treat them with love and forgiveness. As humans we show mercy to those who wronged us where God showed grace to humanity because we continuously wrong him when we sin and hate those who he created. I would like to make the claim that as I understand it humans would be incapable of grace, because how can we expect anything from anybody else that we would not be able to fulfill our selves. Therefore grace is an action in which only God can complete because his expectations are infinite so we would never be able to deserve the great sacrifice Jesus made for us. Also saying that I would say his love is infinite because he showed us the great act of grace that is sending His son to die for us.

I guess overall I am saying one thing and one thing only. We, as Christians, as human beings, should do our best to focus on forgiving and showing love to those who wronged us because God showed us his love through his gracious act of sending his son down only to sacrifice him and save us. For without this act of grace we would all be lost and still stuck in times of legalism and hatred. Therefore we need to focus on loving each other and doing our best to create a world in which we accept all people, all groups and all beliefs. I am not saying that we have to agree with them but we should show mercy and forgiveness for all people and focus on love and not condemnation.

 Thank you for reading my rant it was a little confusing even for me but I feel like good questions were created, and maybe even some were answered.

Following blind is not following at all,
Cyrus Schaaf

Spiritual Superpowers?

What is your favorite superpower? Mine was always super speed. I think it would be so cool to be able to move as fast as light itself. You would be in such good shape and never need a car. I would be able to run on the surface tension of the water and climb mountains in seconds. I am just saying that having super human abilities would be awesome. I have dreamt about them since I was little. A lot of kids grow up saying I want to be a Jedi or a superhero. I know those are some unrealistic goals I still have days that I dream about lifting my phone to me with the force, or the ability to say materialize food with my mind (meat vision). But as much as I would want the force I sadly have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to move anything with the use of a high cellular Midi-chlorian count. The supernatural was written off as myth, impossible.

With this in mind I moved to college and started my journey to understand Christ and the amazing things that he did in his life time. Some could say that these were superpowers; Super human healing, mind reading, and well changing the surface tension of the water to walk on it. All this is explained with a hugely faith based claim; Jesus is the physical embodiment of god and all his power. A statement that forms the very basis of the religion that I have subscribed to, and I believe it to be true therefore I am a Christian. My faith operates in a way that I can justify these miraculous events by saying that he is the son of God, clearly he would have special gifts that would make no scientific sense at all. Although this is a huge claim, a large belief that would require much more explanation I am not ready to even think about trying to reason it out. My main question that I am exploring is; Why does God choose to show himself in our world though the supernatural or a more common term ‘spiritual gifts’?

This has been a stumbling point in my faith for a while now. How could I possibly explain people just like me having super powers? How is it possible that one day someone has a broken shoulder and then the next they are able to go climbing? How can someone see the realm of the spirits that is invisible to most of us? How can one pray in tongues, while another only in English? And what is the purpose of all these gifts.
Now I for one cannot answer the ‘how’ question any more than saying that God chooses to work by using them as a conduit of his power. I do have a theory about the why though.  Before I get to my theory I believe that is necessary to explain a bit more about spiritual gifts for those that may not even know what I am talking about; that was me not even 20 minutes ago. I recently met with someone I would call a spiritual mentor of mine to explore this super weird and confusing phenomenon. We spent our time reading parts of the bible that talks about these types of spiritual gifts (passages listed below), and he explained how they were separated into 3 different groups.

First there are character gifts, these would be gifts that everyone has and can be shown as character traits. This would be gifts like an affinity for, teaching or leading, the ability to empathize with people and the ability to encourage others. I would like to make the claim that God has given all of us some character gift. This is not restricted for those of outrageous faith or even a belief in God. I have had teachers that are great speakers and great thinkers that are not Christians. I have had leaders, which are not Christians, that are more organized and caring that some of the Christians that I know. I have had the gifts that I think my character possesses since before I was really a Christian. The fact that we all have these kinds of gifts in my mind just shows how good and loving God is. I know this is a very Christian view about these characteristics but that is what I believe in and it is my truth; any who moving on now to the next type of gift.
The next type we defined would be gifts of ministry. These gifts would be God giving an affinity to preform different type’s roles in a church setting to individuals of that community. Some examples are evangelists, those who are more inclined to outreach to people who are not a part of that specific community, or a teacher, one who tries to understand in the bible and then share that understanding with the community.  Though these gifts the Christian community is supposed to work together in a caring and efficient way. Sadly this sometimes is not the case, but is the goal of Christian communities.

Finally we have the last group of manifesting gifts or as I like to call them “Superpowers”. These powers are things like healing, prophecy, and tongues. Things that I cannot scientifically justify but I think I have an idea of why God has to act in this more straight forward way. In 1 Corinthians 12:7 Paul says “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.”  This to me says that these manifestation gifts or any gift for that matter is so that we can be used to help each other and the common good of our communities. These gifts are given to help us as Christians help people in a direct way, a way to serve as a conduit for God’s love. I know these types of gifts are hard if not impossible to completely understand so bear with me. For me personally I have trouble with seeing how the gift of Tongues helps the common good, but this is an entirely different topic that I will have to think on and discuss another time.

Something that I have learned about gifts of the spirit is that they are real and not just some weird magic that we crazy Christian people believe in.  But more importantly there is no gift that is more important than another. There is no gift that is more valuable than another. Each has its own strengths or weaknesses and each helps straighten God’s kingdom. Oooh I can back this up with Scripture, exciting! In 1 Corinthians 14:1 Paul says that “Purse love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially prophecy.” But not just prophecy, Paul meant to provide an example to the Corinthians whom only valued the gift of Tongues. Paul stresses that one gift does not make up the entire body of Christ. All are important and we cannot exist as a community if we do not value our character gifts, our role in the community, or even the superpowers some may possess.  Also the most important point to take out of this whole concept of gifts is that we are to use them in Love for everyone. These gifts mean nothing without Love, and Love is the greatest gift that God has provided us with.

Following blind is not following at all,
Cyrus Schaaf
Verses used:
1 Corinthians 12:6-11 (Manifestation gifts)
1 Corinthians 14:1
Romans 12:6-13 (Character gifts)
Ephesians 4:11-15 (Ministry gifts)

Is Suffering the Absence of God?

Does anybody remember a time that they thought their parents were Superheroes, Strong fast powerful loving and protecting. I for sure had that up until I was about ten and my father started coaching me in several sports. I quickly learned that he was not perfect and had a bit of a temper when it came to me listening. Granted I was a little distracted by the soccer ball at my feet and less capable at dribbling a basketball than basically everyone on my team. But still it’s in moments of suffering we tend to lose a lot of faith towards those we look up to the most.
I can say that I am no stranger to suffering. Most of it has been fairly minor but some has been just devastating. The freshest thing to come to mind is Monday. Tragedy struck my dorm that morning when a resident, whom was very much like me, a member of our community, fell from a window. It was so heart breaking to walk in to my home and hear about this awful event. I am still reeling from it. I don’t necessarily know what to think or even what to say, but I feel that my words can be helpful to some people who are struggling and the writing to be helpful to me.
When I walked in to my home the climate was dark, people were crying, some in shock, and I was devastated to see this look of sorrow on the faces of people I love. My first feeling was actually not sadness but anger. I thought questions about how does a good God do this to us. What possible purpose would this “good God” have with something this awful? I was so angry and had so much hatred for myself to believe in this God, to love this God that lets things like this happen. Then I realized that I myself was not being rational. I began to just pray for people around me, for my own anger, and for the fears that I was experiencing. All I was asking was for God to use me in order to show me I did not put my faith and trust into the wrong thing.
I wouldn’t say so much that a booming voice came down from the heavens but I for sure think that I was answered in more of a way of realization. I realized that through last Friday night gathering at Campus Christian Fellowship, a work day that I participated in on Saturday, and my churches Sunday service God had been preparing me to help the people around me. I just thought to myself ‘Wow, what a good God I have to prepare me for something you can never be ready for.’ Then I realized that this work is so important. People are struggling to find light, and hope. All I could do was just be there for those who were suffering and let them be there for me. I am truly grateful that we have a god that cares enough to prepare us for the worst. It’s weird because normally if I wasn’t talking then I didn’t think I was helping. I felt something growing here… a family, a true community. It is all still hard to think about and my heart is still heavy with loss. But I feel like this is where I am meant to be right now.
Well my main point of this post is that even though tragedy God is working in our lives. To be more specific I have a friend who keeps asking me “Why did this happen? How could God let this happen?” And I think this question is very important. Seeing as I believe God is one all powerful and two all loving I don’t quite understand either. How could a good God let a young man die? How could a good God not stop this from happening? I choose to rationalize it like this: Christianity is based on a choice. Let me explain. As a Christian I choose to let Jesus into my heart and trust him to guide me, well at least I try to. Whether or not you think he predestined the choice for you or you had to make it yourself that is a whole other can of worms, but it’s a choice none the less. Though this logic I can determine that there is a choice to every action. One from as small as what cereal to get in the Commons or as big as what you are going to believe in. God can send people into tell you what cereal to get or to bring you closer to him but in the end it is you who has to take the leap and poor yourself a bowl. And God being all knowing will have to prepare those around you for that choice you will eventually make.
I know how hard this time has been to all of us, and I know a lot of you are questioning your belief but I believe with all my heart that our God is a good God. So to answer my title question, Suffering is not the absence of God but the presence of the spirit moving our souls and shaping us to help those harshly affected by tragedy. And I will not say there is a reason for this tragedy but there will be comfort for those who are suffering, salvation for those who need it, because God is all powerful and all loving.
If you are looking for some scripture that could help you look at Romans 8:28. My roommate showed me. It’s just a little pick up if you are struggling in faith. Clearly not all of my thoughts on this could be contained onto this post so just come find me if you need to talk. Or comment and I will find you.
Just remember you are so Loved.

Following blindly is not following at all,
Cyrus Schaaf

'Testimony' Big Word for Life Story?

        I myself have never really felt a deep need to write anything to share… until now. The fact of the matter is that I am young in both life and faith. My theory on God’s character changes as I try to figure I only just being to scratch the surface of the complexities of God. My hypothesis is; God is powerful but kind, he is active but does not work in ways which are immediate or even apparent to the simplicity of the human mind, and for us to truly act how he intends we must first know that we are ignorant and then be active in seeking understanding of his character and word.

I am 20 years old and just starting to dive into the Biochemistry at my university in the Pacific Northwest. I am a Christian and have been most of my life but I am now struggling to learn about what that means. I am scientific and logical. The fact that I look at faith a bit differently is a large reason I feel that I need to share my way of thinking. Faith is spiritual and I have a difficult time trying to explain with any type of logic. As far as I see it a belief in having a personal relationship with God is the most farfetched thing to ever believe in or at least that is what I thought about a year and a half ago. I moved here to school in 2010 having never thought of my faith, of what I really thought was real. I was apathetic and ignorant. From what I have seen in the news and history from church I would never call myself a Christian. It’s amazing how much hatred I had for a group of people I knew nothing about. Don’t get me wrong I grew up in Boy scouts and would call myself a Jesus believer but never a Christian.

But I digress, I moved in with two guys that were some of the most Christian people I had ever met. Then I was instantly pulled into a group of friends whose lives revolved around this Bible book, this person who has been dead for thousands of years. When I say their lives revolved around this I mean some woke up at 7 each morning to memorize parts of the bible, and basically all of them throughout the year spent a large amount of time sitting in a circle robotically reading that book. I thought they were all crazy sitting in large gatherings singing songs about words that I for one did not understand. I mean common ‘Grace’ sounded more like a name than a thing to me. I listened to Friday night Church services about faith and picking up your cross. Quite frankly if you are confused by what I am writing that is exactly how I felt. I felt ignorant, stupid, and most of all, lost. It was like being from America and being friends with people that only spoke Latin. Let me clarify, I could understand some of it but most was like what I am writing now, gibberish. I knew nothing, nada, squat. I began to feel empty, as if I was missing something, maybe not so much empty as hungry. I wanted knowledge to fill my void. I wanted into the club, but not without knowing what I was getting into. If I was going to truly follow someone I was not going to do it blindly from ignorance.
I then had to put in some effort. I sought help from my best friend, Chelsea. See Chelsea has been a Christian her whole life. She has been tested through fire and from what I saw in her I would want to be a Christian whom was similar to her, Strong and independent but loving and open-minded. I knew a few things; one was that reading the bible was necessary. This is probably the most important thing for you all to understand about me, I didn’t just want to read the Bible I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be able to scientifically justify what happens in that damn book. And it is the hardest thing about my faith, where I am the most fragile. So I dove into Matthew, the first book I will ever fully read of the Bible, and it didn’t seem as ridiculous as I previously thought. With the help of Chelsea I looked for meaning, but strove for understanding.

Now a year later my faith has been shaken to its core. Broken down from the comfortable happiness by a tragedy in the dorm in which I live in. The point of my writing is this, I want to show a logical and clear representation of what I think faith is and what a belief in Jesus looks like to the left brained individual. I would like to warn you if you read my blog don’t expect to see, rainbows and butterflies, conventional Christian beliefs, and a spineless statement about my faith. I don’t expect anybody to think as I do or even to like it. I plan to share with you all a true representation of how I experience and understand God in my life. For my God hypothesis has yet to be proven but is tested each and every day.

Following blindly is not following at all,
Cyrus Schaaf


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