Summer is a time that when I grew up I looked forward to. No responsibilities, except looking after the dog of course, no homework, and most importantly no worries. I remember the summers that I would play baseball in my neighbor’s back yard for hours. Or staying up until it got dark running from mosquito’s. I remember a time where I didn’t worry about relationships and my friends actually were around. Summer used to be fun and enjoy able but right now it is barren and difficult. This isn’t so much of a post about my look at an aspect of faith but more of a look at how the beginning of summer changes my beliefs. I am sorry if this sounds like a complaint or a rant but it kind of is. In the months away from school we are told to be restful, rejuvenate our minds and enjoy the time we have off but all I have been feeling as of late is alone.
Nothing really tragic has happened nor have I been particularly unhappy, just really lonely. But I don’t feel lonely from people. I have spent time with my parents and friends. I have texted people I missed from school and saw some of them yesterday. I have really felt separated from God. Trust me this isn’t a one time occurrence. This isn’t something new to summer. It’s just more apparent now. The summers have become a relationally dry and spiritually dry time of the year. I need some help to get back to where I want to be. Some of this will be a little venting but a lot is just what I need to get down on paper. If you have words that could help me feel free to message me on facebook or my phone. If not that’s fine to I am just glad you read and maybe you can relate and share in my struggle with me. This is my hypothesis for this post; God doesn’t leave me during my dry spells but he wants me to learn how to seek him and learn to have faith in him.
Lets now tackle the one type of dryness, relationships. Being in college especially in the dorms I was surrounded my people who cared about me and wanted what is best for me, people who said hi to me on campus and in the halls of Nash. It was great. I could walk down to anybodies room and hang out with them. You really get overloaded with social interaction with you peers during the school year. It makes you kind of take for granted the people you saw every day.
I know for me friendships with girls has always been hard for me to keep just friends in my mind. In many ways I wanted a relationship with some of them but I know I haven’t been really sure what I wanted out of that realtionship. Or who I would actually be happy with. I tend to idolize the women in my life. Put them on a pedestal where they are not human to me but perfection. And we all know that’s not true. None of us are close to being perfect. Anyways I get home and all of the sudden there are no more women around me. Mom doesn’t count. So what do I do? Do I reflect on what I really want in a relationship?
Nope Chuck Testa.
I proceed to text the girls in my life I know will respond just so I can get a little bit of that attention. I am trying to fill the hole in my relationships with people with mindless chit chat. Then if I think about it God was kinda pushing me to reflect more on what I needed rather than wanted by sending my friend Jacob in to joke with me about getting “wifed up” (sorry Jacob). So that thought train was started and I figured out who best fits me in my life.
Then I started to talk to her and I know she was dating someone but I told her what I thought anyways. But then with a little internal conflict I had to learn to be patient because I clearly haven’t learned what I needed to. I have not done what God really wanted me to do this summer which in all my infinite knowledge about him (sarcasm) was to one try to reach out to people I knew in high school but our friendship had wavered, and two learn to trust him, I think.
That was a great transition to the talk about my own spiritual dryness. Taylor you should be proud of that one. Anywho back to the topic at hand. At school I am surrounded by faith. In my room, my friendships, the campus ministry, my friends (oops said that twice), and actually going to church. Spirituality was everywhere, I think it was something in the water (joking). But I thought about it all the time at school. I wanted to know more I hungered for knowledge, and understanding. I could fake my way though a lot of faith with my friends and I could sustain myself with emotional highs and looking for answers with Taylor each week in my one on ones (meetings with my small group leader). These were all good things (except the faking) but none of them have really been sustained since finals week started. I probably wouldn’t even be doing this if I hadn’t just gotten mad at the big guy for the path in life he is taking me on (see relationships).
But still here I am wondering does God leave me when I leave the spiritual community that I am a part of? Am I not faithful enough, am I not saved, and am I really a believer or just a scholar looking for the facts and not the relationship? Do I do things for him or for myself? Do I revert to sinful ways when I come home because I don’t care?
Well I don’t really think I don’t care. It’s just so much easier to get away with when you alone are accountable for yourself. And I am pretty sure that when you leave a community God is too big to leave you as well. I have seen that in one of my friends.
Now that leaves the doubts. Do I really have the faith I say I do? Faith has been the hardest part of this whole thing for me. I know God is out there somewhere but I don’t know if I trust him yet. I don’t know how I would start. That girl I was talking about told me “Have faith everything will work out” but what if I don’t have that faith? Will it still work or am I just lost? How do I get the confidence in God to actually trust him to shape my life? These are some of my biggest struggles my own battles. I could use help but where do I get it. How do I ask? Maybe that is the answer to just ask and try to trust.
I feel like the whole trust thing will help me in the next doubt. Am I really saved? I know trust is important for this but something that has been really freaking me out about the whole saved thing is Acts. Particularly the 90 times they say and the spirit filled them and they started to talk in tongues and prophecy. See that stuff freaks me out. I don’t really want to just start speaking in a different language I find it hard to see the point. But is that the mark of being saved to have a manifestation if a spiritual super power or is it just any gift? What makes me able to say “I am a broken and sinful person but I have been saved by Jesus’ sacrifice”? If I have these doubts do I truly believe enough so that if I died tomorrow I would look at the bright gate of heaven and not be turned below to darkness. I am only twenty and I already am thinking about this stuff.
Thinking leads me to one more thing. Do I just fabricate a belief in Christ to fit in and use it as a front to learn more? I know this one doesn’t have as strong of a base to it but it does cross my mind. I am really wondering how I can go about starting this relationship. How do I have a relationship with something I cannot see, have not heard, nor talked to? I mean someone will tell me prayer but what if I feel nothing when I pray. Then what?
Basically in the summer I have this dryness and I am looking for some help. How could I work to defeat the doubts I have? Please I invite you to message me and make an effort at telling me how to live my life. And if I know you fairly well; how can I deal with my relationships here and reach out to those I once called my friends?
Thank you for your time and for reading my really long rant. It helped me to write it. Have a good day and I think this summer has potential for each person to experience growth not just a stagnant void.
Following blindly isn't following at all,
Cyrus Schaaf
Trusting in God was and is a very hard thing for me to do. I have gotten to the point now where I can trust in him with many things, but it all started with one thing: school. When I was utterly screwed and had little possibility of passing a test or getting something done, this is when I put my trust in Him. It started mystical and utterly fake, thinking there would be some cinematic take over of my body and my mind. Christ showed me failures then. Throughout the years my faith and understanding has grown, and the concept of God speaking is a wordless still small voice has really taken over. I've looked for signs and listened for words. But it all boiled down to the countless hopeless moments; fear of failing my family, myself and most importantly the God I was working for to learn how to trust in him. It is learned through falling on your face to pray out of desperation and anguish, it is learned through repeated failures (at least if you're as stubborn as I am) There's an "aha!" moment when you realize that God is bigger and loves you more than you can possibly imagine. It's a beautiful and sobering moment that will likely bring tears to your face, but knowing that will make you start to realize how much you can lean on him (I say start to because the amount is endless). The ultimate answer is to pray. Pray unceasingly, and pray like Solomon did. Ask for wisdom and ask for help. Ask God to take away your doubts and guide you throughout your life. the first step of trusting him is trusting him enough to ask for help, even in things like faith and doubt. It doesn't have to be your sole burden to develop your faith, in fact it's almost silly to do so. God is there trying to help you get closer to Him and he's always going to get you there faster and better; all you have to do is ask! Stay in the word and keep that fellowship going. I'm usually the loneliest when I forget that God is right there watching me, waiting for me to ask him for help. Prodding me gently to turn around and see him and be fulfilled again. Honestly, prayer is the most important and comforting part of faith life and if you just ask for understanding (and be patient) God will give you more faith and allow you to trust in Him more and more as he shows you beautiful things that he's done for you. Hilariously, the first step (and most if not all of the steps) of trusting in God is trusting in Him to give you more trust in Him by asking for more trust. I hope this helps, let me know if you want to talk about it some more! Then we will play some LoL haha.
ReplyDeleteTL;DR: pray for more faith and trust and removal of doubt. Hilaraiously the first step of trusting i