The thing about being a college student is that I have no
clue where any of my time goes. I feel like my first day of class was a week
ago and now I am done with finals for the quarter. Life goes by so fast for the
busy and the stressed. That is the thing about school. It has made me stressed
beyond belief and takes up all of my time. I have no real clue how I even made
it here and got to the end of the quarter. This being the hardest quarter of my
life, I am actually surprised with myself at the piece I feel about it. I took
4 classes and ended with only 3. A lab, a hard lecture, and an English. The
stress really kicked in this last month or so and I have times where I have
felt utterly abandoned by God and completely empty of all ambition. I am here
to tell you that I made it through one of the most unfortunate quarters and am
sure that God did not abandon me in my trials.
For those of you who don’t know me I am fairly comfortable
under stress. I can usually shrug it off and go about my day but this quarter
was different. I had times I literally crumbled onto the floor unable to do any
work or even move. I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle as I watched my
grades slip deeper and deeper into the abyss even while I was studying like a
mad man. I couldn't stop thinking about them and started losing sleep. And on
top of the hardest quarter of my life two weeks before finals I get mono. It
was the worst. I couldn't drink water without pain all I could do was lay in
place unable to sleep or eat. I was just withering. I felt abandoned. Then at
the height of my sickness my house prayed for me. I expected and wanted a
miraculous healing but didn't get it. I didn't feel any different. I was
disheartened and lonely. I felt isolated from the people I call friends. I felt
abandoned by God. That night I went to my room and tried to pray and ended in
tears. I was drowning in loneliness and helplessness. Then the next day I went
to the health center complaining about my inability to sleep and eat. They gave
me medication and sent me back home for rest. I was afraid to take the pain
meds so I put it off for most of the day. Then I sat down to take them and
prayed that I wouldn't have to use the acetaminophen coden and I didn't feel
chilled anymore. I still felt pain but no fever; I felt hungry and was able to
eat for the first time.
I am still recovering. Getting better every day but that
moment that I prayed was when it all turned around. I don’t know how significant
it is to all of you. But it was really significant for me. I felt all quarter
that I was doing all of this alone. I felt spiritually dry a lot of the time
but that moment made me feel that I wasn’t alone. That he was still watching
over me. God works in interesting ways I have found through my last couple
years really following him. I realize now that it was not that he was letting
me suffer but was fighting against it. I am really thankful the sickness to be
honest. It has helped me focus on studying this finals week now that I can actually
function and I didn’t really miss that much school. I feel now that I am actually
closer to God and started developing this weird desire to read the Bible.
Basically my story was meant to tell you that even though
you may be struggling and feel alone while studying for finals God will help
you weather you ask or not. Asking is just more effective than waiting. And if I
can survive finals week recovering from mono then you all can do incredible.
Just know that you are loved by me and most importantly God. He will direct you
and provide for you even if you feel that he has left you. When you look back on your life you will
realized that God did not leave you in this time but it was here he carried
you.
May the Force be with you,
Cyrus Schaaf
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