I
learned one lesson tonight in two intensely different ways. One really was inspiring,
while the other lesson was extremely painful. What is the lesson I learned tonight?
Well it is important to know one of my biggest weaknesses in faith is still, to
trust and expect that God will provide for me. Tonight I truly did learn that
God does provide for me, and protects me against my own stupidity and
selfishness.
In core
tonight we went on a walk thinking about all the things we were worried about
and what we want God to help us with. I thought about a few things, one of them
being how I am so worried in leading these men and being scared about leading
Core. I don’t feel ready or worthy to help Him, in His work here at Western,
but He asks me to do it anyways. So leading core and pointing these guys to
Christ really worries me. The other thing was more trivial and that was if I
would ever be able to find the watchtower in the dark. Eventually we found the
watchtower and then the real change began.
By now I
thought I had identified what I am most afraid to ask God for, but little did I
know that was not the case. Sitting in core thinking about trusting God I
realized that I don’t trust God to help me almost anything. I have been relying
on my own understanding and my own work for the last 2 years and what has that
gotten me? Nothing. I have gained nothing from only relying on myself especially
in school work. I have only caused myself stress and anxiety, as well as making
me self-conscious and I had begun to define my worth by how I did on exam day. The
grade that I get on a test has been what I would like to call my worth percent.
Basically I have been basing my self-worth only on my performance.
I
should be basing my worth on Christ’s love for me which is always at a worth
percent of 100. Worrying about the future doesn’t change it just causes my
faith to be small, and brittle. Decided to share this with the core but when I began
to speak my thoughts didn’t so really exit my mouth but the answer to my
question of what am I really worth did. I said “God doesn’t care what we have
to give Him. It doesn’t matter if we can do well on something or get a good
score in school because He loves us and that is all he asks for in return.” There
was my answer. I am worth a lot in the eyes of God because he sent his son to
die for my sins. I am important and God watches over me not because of what I
have done but because of what He has done for me.
Clearly
that should have spoken to me but on my way home I started to get depressed
about my score on my latest chemistry test. I ended up getting home and calling
my Mom to talk about it. That helped a little but I left the call feeling empty
and hopeless. I prayed asking God to bring me out of my depression and help me.
On the edge of tears I texted Sarah telling her what I was experiencing all I
got back were 4 pictures each with a different verse on them
‘Cast
your anxiety on him because he cares for you.’ 1 Peter 5:7
‘What,
then, shall we say in response to this? If our God is for us then who can be
against us?’ Romans 8: 31
‘For I
know the plans I have for you; declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not
to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ Jeremiah 29:11
‘Therefore
do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient
for the day I sits own trouble.’ Matthew 6:34
Needless
to say I broke down and cried. I was so thankful for a God who would use
someone in my life like Sarah to comfort me, and that his words would now have
such a large impact on my well-being’ and how I looked at myself. Most
importantly is that when I was at my lowest he heard my cry for help and rescued
me from my self-destructive thoughts and fears.
Basically
I now know without a measure of a doubt that God doesn’t keep track of how much
I am worth in the eyes of the world. He loves me because I am worth everything
to Him. That makes me so humble and joyful. Ready to take on the world and I am
so thankful for who he is.
Blessed is the poor in
spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,
Cyrus Schaaf
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